Why Your Ex Boyfriend Is Back In Contact After Months

ex back in contact after months
We might spend weeks staring at the ceiling, praying that the phone goes off and their number lights up on the screen. But it never happens. And just when, months later, we finally achieve a modicum of peace for ourselves, it happens.

Out of the blue, months after we thought the gate on that particular path had closed, our ex resurfaces with a rather bland if well-meaning message.

What does it mean? What do they want? Well, here's my best guess at why a guy comes back months after a breakup.

Distinction 1: Missing Your Romantically Versus Missing You As A Friend

Let's be honest, the most pressing question is whether or not their intentions are romantic in nature. But, given the distant that will have grown between you, the chance that they're going to tell you point-blank how they feel is close to zero. Our best bet then is an educated guess.

Typically, romantic intentions bleed through the conversation in an impulsive fashion rather than in a controlled manner. At the root of this confusion is the fact that despite whatever they are saying, there is a lot of of pent up emotion behind their message. Communication is all over the place, because -- well -- they are all over the place. This leads to:

  • Hot and cold behavior due to the risk versus reward mentality associated with attempting to reconcile. 
  • Mixed messages and crumbs (because being direct means risking rejection). A friend has nothing to lose.
  • Impulsive behavior. They might switch from praise to resentment in a heartbeat. Again, this is the side-effect of attempting to manage a cartload of insecurity. A friend will usually be in control of his or her emotions when speaking to us, leading to a more balanced and coherent message.
  • Being rooted in the past rather than forward-looking. One way or another, the conversation will find a way to talk about your past relationship. Friends tend to be more present or forward looking.
  • Your having their attention. It doesn't matter what their tone or mood is like, an ex who wants to reconcile will be hyper-attentive. A sign you are a bigger priority than they went to let on. 
In general, even if you have no idea what the purpose behind their reappearance is, your gut instinct will let you know there is a discrepancy between what they say and how they act. This usually manifests as confusion, because while they say one thing, it is clear that their actions are communicating something else entirely. 

Distinction 2: What Is Being Asked Of You?

couple on a date
Another way to simplify the situation is to objectively look at the facts: What are you being asked to actually do?

If you are being asked to participate in something, even something relatively minor, you are being asked to come closer. If, despite the warmth in tone, there is no drive or call to action, then something other than romance may be afoot. 

Meeting up for coffee is a small demonstration of commitment. A way of demonstrating the will to act and not just talk. It's an indirect way of saying "I'm willing to put in the work". Which is why these kinds of scenarios are rarely completely platonic, even if they claim to be on the surface. 

Assessing your communication objectively is hard to do, especially if insecurity reigns and mind games are being played as a result. But the desire of an ex who is back in contact months after a breakup to move forward one way or another will become apparent. They probably won't muster the courage to spell it out, but they will try to find a way to escalate contact from inaction to action, or impersonal to personal (email or texts to webcam or phone). 

Why Your Ex Boyfriend Is Back In Contact After Months

They want something. That's the only thing you can be sure of. But what?

I've tried to make two key distinctions that separate an ex who has romantic intent from one who doesn't. In summary:

An ex who wants to reconcile will have forward momentum, will seek to engage and will be tend to be more impulsive and imbalanced emotionally. If your ex is back because their healing has progressed to the point that they feel safe enough to be friends, this harmony will be reflected in the actions by their balance and direct communication (there's no fear of rejection, hence an ex who wants to be friends will tend to be more direct).

Due to the fact that I'm saying all this without any of your relationship context whatsoever, it goes without saying that these are generalizations. Though they tend to hold true most of the time if we are willing to assess our situation objectively.