Reasons Why Your Boyfriend Is Constantly Being Mean To You

Interpreting anger or spite in a partner isn't simple because there is no guarantee that you have anything to do with it to begin with. Which means that attempting to deal with their issues objectively won't work, because the issues that cause them aren't rooted in an objective reality.

If you are attempting to wrap your head around their spite, here are a few reasons why your boyfriend might feel the need to lash out.

Jealousy And Controlling Behavior

jealous boyfriendA jealous or controlling boyfriend might use anger and spite to subdue their partner (you) with the goal of controlling the relationship. 

If you are put into a position where crossing them or doing what you want, means having to confront their anger, you may modify your behavior in order to appease them.

This is the end goal of most manipulative behavior, to make their insecurity feel like yours. In this case, your desire to be an individual would trigger their jealousy, and in turn, you would be made to feel guilty. Talk about ironic. 

The problem with this kind of behavior is that it is self-reinforcing. By submitting to the boyfriend's anger, we aren't making peace with his inner demons, we are only teaching him that this kind of manipulation works. The more we give in, the worse off we feel, and the more empowered he gets. The sooner we stop allowing this parasitic behavior to chip your well being away, the better. Even if it does invoke his indignation. Once he realizes his mind game no longer works, he will be forced to either seek a new way or choose to communicate directly.

Deep-Seated Fear

Insecurity is the root cause of most relationship anger. It is defensiveness masquerading as offensiveness.

We are so busy defending ourselves from the boyfriend in question's attacks we won't stop to ask ourselves what they are actually bringing to the table.If we live fearing that he's going to dump us any given second, we won't question whether or not he is something we actually want in our lives. 

Realizing that their mind games are a way of controlling your potential can be empowering. Because it means that contrary to what appears to be true, we are in actual control. Their games are nothing other than a prison for outcomes they fear.

Taking You For Granted

Not all spiteful behavior is a sign that a game is being played. Sometimes it is a sign that the wear and tear of routine has gotten to the relationship's core and he has started taking you for granted.

What is essentially a form of existential laziness, that of lashing at others to feel better about ourselves, is particularly common in long-term relationships. As the saying goes:

Familiarity breeds contempt.

As the phrase itself suggests, a possible solution is that of breaking the pattern of the relationship's routine. In short, spice it up. If he doesn't take the bait or appreciate your efforts, it's nevertheless up to you to refuse to be used as a vent for his angry outbursts. Erecting strong intrapersonal boundaries is fundamental regarding keeping the relationship healthy.

personal boundary

Petty Revenge

Up until now, I've dealt with anger that stems from an illogical source, that you personally have little to do with. But what if they have a reason for their outbursts?

Most of the time there is a root reason, but it gets blown out of proportion quickly. And what started as a small, almost inconsequential foul-up, now has you on the backfoot for the rest of the relationship.

It is important to weigh your responsibility objectively. An angry outburst on the heels of a large mistake you might have made could be justified. However, using an isolated event as a way to beat you into emotional submission is absolutely not justified. If the anger has outworn any semblance of objectivity, it is obvious that his games are serving a bigger purpose.

Finding out what the purpose is, is simple. Ask yourself how you are made to feel because that is the end goal of whatever game he is playing. No matter how round-a-bout or contorted, if are constantly feeling guilty, or weak, or worthless, it is almost a guarantee that that is how you are being pushed to feel.